Weddings
by Against A Wall
Summary: Kenny muses on the weddings he's been to. Various Pairings.


_Umm, fixed the errors and changed the ending._  
--

I had been to a lot of weddings by the time I turned thirty. Hell, I'd been the one getting married a couple times.

The first one I went to was right out of high school. Wendy decided that she wanted Token to 'get serious' or he'd 'get none.' He took the route any sensible man would and dropped to one knee almost immediately. The wedding was a sight to behold. It was huge. It was expensive. It was incredibly _white_. Swear to anyone's God that everyone was blinded as they walked in. Moreover, that was the day that I almost killed myself by laughing too hard when Token told the priest 'Sure man, whatever' instead of 'I do.' Nevertheless, Wendy got was she wanted and she was happy. The next day Token was too. Too bad Stan had to do a toast about how big a slut Wendy was.

The annulment process for them was pretty fun too.

Next was the same year and decidedly less spectacular. Unless free shoes get you hot. This time Clyde wanted Bebe to show him she loved him for something other then his connection with the shoe store. As disdained as she looked when he first popped the question Bebe said yes and they had a nice small ceremony. Every woman there was treated to a free pair of shoes. The guys got free beer. Nice trade yeah? Oh, and the fact that my baby sister started hitting on Bebe was priceless.

I also met my first wife there.

The following year I celebrated my first wedding. I and Suzie figured that if we were married and got life insurance every time I died we could collect and be rich in no time. After a white trash wedding, in which Cartman threw up in the punchbowl, we tried filing for insurance. But somehow, every company knew about my 'dieing problem' and nobody would give us coverage. The marriage didn't last long after that.

At least Suzie was nice enough to only ask for both rings at the hearing.

Craig got lucky after that when he and Tweek fell into a homoerotic love together. The wedding was a blast. First off, a guy in a dress is funny no matter the occasion but a guy in a _wedding_ dress is down right hysterical. Damn right _every_one laughed while Tweek stumbled down the aisle wearing one. But after he'd tripped four times even Craig was pissed, though I still have the scars that prove that that's not very hard to do, so he stormed down to him, flipping off the statue of Jesus in the back, and picked the blonde up and carried him to the priest. Then as he growled out an 'I do' he flipped off the priest causing a wave of women to faint. And I not going to get into the whole 'Starbucks Coffee as Maid of Honor' fiasco.

Thankfully the rest went by smoothly.

Then, Cartman somehow got a wife. It seemed that he never got over his crush on Wendy. Good thing for him is that Wendy still liked him too. It also seemed that they'd been dating for a while and nobody knew about it. Even Bebe spit coke all over the table when they announced the 'great news.' Their wedding was a lot like Wendy's first, ignoring all the Hitler memorabilia. Oh, and Stan laughing his ass off when they kissed at the alter. Honestly, why did Stan even come?

Then it was my turn again.

This time my sights were set on Mercedes, a Raisins girl I'd know since I was a kid. And _damn_ she looked as hot at twenty-three as she had at sixteen. We didn't have a normal ceremony, instead we hauled Kyle and Stan's sorry asses up to Vegas and let Elvis do the honors. Even I had to admit that it was a huge fucking turn-on to watch Mercedes give the still moping Stan a lap dance. Not that I didn't get a personal one back at our hotel room.

Too bad she could stand me dieing all the time.

After that everyone seemed to settle down for a while, nobody was jumping into other's bed's, nobody was being cheated on, nobody noticed when my brother decided to get married until his fiancée decided to announce it herself. God, Shelly Marsh scares the crap out of me. But the last time I said that to Kevin, he broke my nose. I _can_ learn from my mistakes. Anyways, it was one of the more traditional weddings out of them all, sure my family couldn't pay for a dime but the Marsh's made sure it was a nice Catholic ceremony with a nice Catholic priest and a nice Catholic 'no drinking past ten' policy. Though it seems that Randy begged for the beer to be there at all.

I can still taste the wine.

Bouncing right back into motion, like I normally do, I ended up jumping in the sack with someone I'd never considered before. Butters. Jesus _Christ_, he's so much more sexier moaning then most professionals I've seen. And I'd die on the spot if I said he didn't look adorable in a dress. Or anything at all. Our so-called 'wedding' wasn't a complete disaster. Well, I didn't think so at least. Sure his parents yelled loudly about groundings and he was near crying before they apologized. And then later, after the cake was cut, I found Stan and Kyle making out in a closet. Surprise surprise.

Thusly bringing me to the point of my story. The point being that this was the gayest wedding in the history of gay weddings.

Everyone who'd met Kyle and Stan even once knew that they were incredibly gay and they probably would have thought that they were already great butt buddies. Sadly, it took a while for the two Super Best Friends to figure that out. But when they did they hit it _hard_. Please, don't mind the pun. Again, the wedding was supposed to be nice and Catholic like Shelly's but, as it would turn out, Stan had decided to go check on Kyle right before the wedding and they somehow got distracted and finally stumbled into the chapel half an hour late; Stan in Kyle's tux and Kyle in Stan's jeans and t-shirt, and both giggleing like girls. Their 'holy matrimonial' kiss shamed both of their mothers. The cake beheld two Ken dolls in dresses and Big Gay Al felt the need to sing 'Do You Feel the Penis Tonight.' Where that song came from I'll never know, or, for that matter, _want_ to know.

But man. . . Butters got a good work-out that night.


End file.
